LN – “It takes years” and 11 other myths about adoption

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“You have to wait a lot of time and the bureaucracy is huge.” “There are no boys.” “You need to change the law
      as soon as possible “.” There are so many children on the street that could be adopted! “.” What if the biological family appears and
      Do you claim it? “” We signed up because we can’t have our own children. “

These are just some of the phrases that are heard frequently and that, for specialists, put in
      evidence that still there are a lot of myths linked to adoption strongly rooted in the
        society.

Knock them down and change the paradigm towards one that runs the focus of adults’ desire to become parents and
      put it in the right of children and adolescents to have a family, it is for judges, defenders,
      psychologists and other referents in the subject, the key to bridge between both waits.

The referents consulted by LA NACION emphasize that today the aspirations of most of the
        Applicants to adopt strongly contrast with the reality of boys and girls in adoption, which in general
        they are over six years old, they can be part of sibling groups and have some type of disability or problem
        Health.

This is what the figures show. According to the latest data from the National Directorate of the Single Registry of Applicants to
      Save for Adoptive Purposes (Dnrua), there are currently 3807 files of people registered in the country to adopt.
      Of these, 877 are from a single applicant and 2930 from two (includes marriages, cohabitation unions and couples). The
      88.73% are willing to foster children up to one year and 90% up to two. The contracara is that only 6.07%
      would adopt boys or girls up to 10 years old and barely 0.26% of more than 13.

On the other hand, 46.60% are registered for only one child: only 3.47% would accept up to three
        brothers and 0.18% (seven applicants across the country) to four or more.
With respect to the conditions of
      health of
      Children and adolescents, 82.74% would not accept that they had any disability or illness.

Lucas Aón, judge in charge of the National Civil Court of First Instance No. 25 of the city of Buenos Aires,
      note that adoption is a rights restitution institute that focuses on the boy or the girl, and that
        It consists of finding a family for a child and not a child for a family.
“It’s not the arrival of a baby
      what
      I do it my way, “adds Karina Leguizamón, president of the Council of the Rights of Girls, Children and Adolescents
      of the city of Buenos Aires, on which depends the Single Registry of Aspirants to Guardian for Adoptive Purposes
      (Ruaga)

The most frequent myths

one “Adoption is intended for those who cannot have biological children”

“This is one of the main myths,” says Fabiana Isa, psychologist and general coordinator of the program of
      Extension Care of Children Deprived of Parental Care of the Faculty of Psychology of the UBA. Nevertheless,
      explains that adoption has nothing to do with the impossibility of having biological children and that the end of that
      Institution, as provided for in the National Civil and Commercial Code, is that the State guarantees the right
      of boys and girls to have a family. “As a result of understanding this, it is possible to search
      of families for these children and not that adults ‘ask for’ a boy with certain characteristics. Usually,
      in the media there is no talk of the silent waiting of these children who wait for years in the
      homes a family, “summarizes Isa.

In this regard, experts consider that it is key to work on the adoptive availability of applicants,
      even before they register. This means that they can have a broader look,
      flexible and responsible about the children who need a home, for example, increasing the search age.

Laura Rubio, creator of Adoption School – an organization that provides free services – points out that “the
      The desire to adopt is not exclusive to those who cannot beget: there are those who can choose this path equally and
      others who have children, adoptive or biological, choose this possibility to extend the family. “Therefore,
      says it is a myth to say that adoption is for those who cannot have their own children and stresses that “in all
      the cases the children are or will be ‘own’ – although not owned by the parents – because of what one ‘appropriates’
      it’s from the link. “

In that line, Aón considers that the biggest myth that exists is “that the fault of the adoption problem is the
      law or Justice. “” It is neither the law nor the judges. All adoption rules tend to give a family to
      Children who don’t have one. What will shorten the deadlines is to have sufficient resources, professionals
      suitable and in necessary quantity so that in a reasonable time you can know if a child needs the route of
      adoption to give a solution to his life or return to his family of origin, “he says.

two “It’s been years since I signed up and they never call me”

For referents, phrases like this contribute to misinformation and harm children. They explain that
      Currently, many children and adolescents wait in homes because they are registered in the
      records are not found families that have run for the characteristics they have.
In fact,
      There are currently more than 400 boys in public calls, which are the last resort to which the
      judges when they exhausted all search instances within the network of registrants of applicants in custody
      adoptive.

In the cases of those enrolled who extend their adoptive availability, times are greatly shortened.
“A little while ago, a homoparental couple who signed up to chase a child up to 12 years old, called her 13
      times, from different courts, in two weeks, “exemplifies Laura Salvador, co-founder of Being Family for
      Adoption.

Rubio details that registering in the registers, contrary to what is often believed, does not imply “a
      enormous effort “:” Basic documentation and the psychological and socio-environmental report are requested where the
      conditions to adopt. One can be an excellent person but not gather them. “
Finally, he says that while
      many believe that in Argentina we have to change the laws so that adoption is faster, the norm is already
      amended: “His new articles are within the Civil and Commercial Code, which has been in force since August 2015.
      It was not modified so that adults who want to adopt do so faster, but to define more quickly and
      clearly the situation of the boys and girls, axes and motive of this institute “.

3 “I’m afraid to adopt a teenager”

Laura Salvador adopted Luchi, her son, when she was almost 13 years old. Ensures that the adoption of bigger boys
      it is possible whenever there is information, preparation, fears and fantasies are demolished. “There will be difficulties
      and you have to know in advance what are the problems that will have to be crossed. There are many fears: being a father
      A teenager is not easy for anyone. Imagine if he suddenly comes to your house and when you challenge him he says: os You
      you’re not my dad, “he explains. He believes that the only way to beat the ghosts is to learn, chatting with
      other parents and going to groups.

Specialists warn that building the family bond, as in every adoptive process and
        regardless of the age of the boy, it always takes time, patience, love and commitment.
“These
        Boys usually come with a very painful experience of the figure of the father or mother. From night to
        Tomorrow nobody can change that idea. We believe that it is the adult who has to prepare, “says Salvador.

Therefore, from the Dnrua they point out that, if it is considered that it is impossible to adopt a teenager, it is because
        surely motherhood-biological fatherhood is being equated with the adoptive one.

Isa emphasizes an issue she considers crucial: without storms or crises, there is no family. “All that puts
        Try the strength of that relationship. They are like an emotional GPS: in the wake of the crisis one recalculates and
        rethink if it’s going well for that place or not. You have to see it as an opportunity, do not be afraid. The
        What is important is that this adult is, not run. Because boys are always going to test you: the
        more small and the big one too, “he reflects.

Gonzalo Valdés, social worker and member of the Provincial Adoption Registry team of Mendoza,
        argues that most adopters, when they approach adoption, do so from a “construction
        idealized for a newborn or early childhood child. “Reflect that this is due, in part, to
        that for many years the adoption in Argentina was oriented towards newborns. “You have to work with
        the adopters to help them deconstruct an idealized idea or experience and bring them to reality.
There is
        that working with them in groups, with training, training and much accompaniment, “he emphasizes.

4 “Being a family by adoption is the same as being a biological family”

Although it is to be a family like any other, the references explain that it is not the same, since there are experiences and particularities in an adoptive family that will not occur in one by biological link. “Keeping this in mind is essential. We start from the basis that as parents by adoption we will not know the whole history of our children, even if they arrive as babies. There are things that we will not be able to repair, that our children will suffer and we have to be there to accompany them: not being able to grow up with the family of origin is never harmless. “, says Rubio.

From Dnrua they contribute that there are issues that are specific to adoption and that must be recognized and addressed in all ages of children and adolescents, such as the right to identity, recognition of their history of origin and the creation of the story adoptive.

“The challenge of being a family by adoption, the edges that it has, is not a biological one or even dreaming. A biological son will not tell you: ‘you are not my mother’ and to challenge you to prove it. We are talking about others contracts. Believing that it is the same, that one does not need neither groups nor preparation, is false, “emphasizes Salvador.

From not choosing the name to not knowing in advance its history, are some of the situations for which you have to be prepared. Rubio adds that, in addition, when the boy or the girl arrives at their new home, they will have attitudes and behaviors that are not going to be the same as those of their parents. “It is not that children are incorporated into the customs of that family. But they must all form a new one and stop being what they were before. We must open up and contemplate that we are strangers, strangers. Links take time, they are built : one does not become a family overnight “, He says.

5 “What if the family of origin appears and claims it?”

“I always say that the families by adoption live with the families of origin, eat and sleep together, because although we do not see it, it is present all the time,” Salvador reflects. For her, it is essential that parents by adoption learn to live with the fantasy they have of the biological family, as well as the one that the children have: “Because many times they did not know them or they paint them as the most wonderful parents to survive You have to live with a lot of situations that include that family of origin, not to mention that they want to meet them or a brother appears that you didn’t know he had, “he says.

Rubio points out that sometimes they also ask questions like “what about their real parents?” “There are no‘ false children ’and therefore no‘ false parents ’: it is family and, as such, true. There is a family of origin and an adoptive family, both real,” he explains.

Leguizamón contributes that one of the great changes that there was and that he believes is missing, is that The new Civil and Commercial Code of the Nation provides that, in the event that the child wants to be linked to the family of origin, the adoptive parents have that obligation. “This is discussed in the informative meetings before registering for the registry, so that people do not get scared if it happens. When the link is generated, we should not be afraid to stop loving me,” he explains. And he details that, in general, the family of origin that is linked to the boy are brothers or grandparents: “There is no need to be afraid of relating to his family of origin, because if there is a strong bond, the boy always chooses the place where he can develop and enjoy his childhood with love and tranquility. The healthy bond always prevails over what caused the harm to that child. “

6 “When we meet, it will surely be love at first sight”

Valdés says that the crush of the film usually occurs in cases that have one hand. “When I work with the families they want to adopt, I work a lot on the fact that they are not going to know their children, but children; and that those children are not going to meet their parents, but rather adults who want to have children. First time is one of contact and knowledge, “he details.

The specialist explains that, if from this first contact there is an empathic basis, then you can move towards living together, This is a complex construction because children who are strangers enter the house of these adults and these children, in turn, enter a world that is also new and strange to them.

“There is essential the accompaniment. The more tools of understanding adults have, the more they will be able to sustain the crises that are going to be generated and that are inherent to the meeting, absolutely normal. The problematic thing is that they do not exist because we would be talking about an overfit fictional, “reflects Valdés.

Isa ensures that the key in the process of establishing a link, in addition to the emotional availability to connect with the other, has to do with the possibility of waiting.

“For the kids to say ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ and not be hollow words but arise from spontaneity, you have to be patient. Because that ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ arrives after the children felt cared for when they were in sick or calm when they cried, for example. All that is building the bond, “describes the psychologist.

7 “To adopt you have to have money or your own home”

The law does not stipulate minimum income, but the proof of being able to support the child or children adopted by that family. From the Dnrua explain that another frequent myth is in relation to the need to own or have a large property. This is not the case, since the requirement is to have a suitable place according to the needs of the boy, girl or teenager.

“What you are looking for is a family, it does not imply that you can pay for the latest model of shoes. Many times there are families who ask you: ‘I rent, can I sign up?’ As it was always associated with adoption with taking the children out of a family because of their poverty situation, which is another myth, it is thought that this will compensate with money, “Salvador reflects.

In that line, he argues that there are other phrases that are repeated as “With so many boys on the street there are to adopt!” Salvador explains: “If the State or social services believe that the life of that child is with that family, it is not in a situation of adoption.” This is declared not because a family is in a situation of socioeconomic vulnerability, but when the child, girl or adolescent suffered multiple violations of rights within that family that make it impossible to remain in it.

For Rubio, phrases like “go to the North and bring one from there”, also contribute to generating an erroneous view of adoption. “Children are people, they are not objects to be ordered, offered, bought, sold. Direct delivery is prohibited by the Civil and Commercial Code. Noting as a biological child a child who is not is not adopted, It’s a crime, “he explains.

The respondents consider that, generally, there is a lack of knowledge about the requirements to adopt, although there are several social organizations and organizations that detail them on their web pages. They can adopt not only marriages, but both members of a cohabitation union, a single single person, widow or divorced, same-sex marriages and cohabitation. Other requirements are that you have to be 25 years old (but, if the spouse or the person living together is already over 25 years old, it is not necessary for both to be that age); be at least 16 years older than the one adopted; be Argentine or naturalized (if a foreigner, it is necessary to have residence in the country for five years). In addition, be registered in the Single Registry of Applicants for Guardians with Adoptive Purposes that corresponds to the jurisdiction of the applicant.

8 “Adoption is an act of solidarity”

“Adopting is not being altruistic or wanting to help a child or adolescent: it is to want to maternal or paternal choosing the path of adoption. That is the motivation, it is not special for it,” summarizes Rubio.

“When he arrives, the boy is going to be happy at the outset,” “He has to thank me all my life, with everything I do for him.” They are for other referents of the thoughts to be banished.

For his part, Salvador points out: “Believing that adoption refers only to adopted children is a very reductionist look, because we all form a family by adoption, he or she adopts me as a mother and I adopt him as a son or daughter. Saying ‘I adopted three boys’ is other than saying ‘I formed a family by adoption with three children.’ But it is to put ourselves as parents in a position of superiority. “

To think that all boys need is love is another fallacy. “Love alone is not enough, it is important to have or generate tools to help them repair emotional wounds and travel their duels”, says Rubio. Nor does he consider appropriate phrases such as “how lucky he was that you had adopted him”, since for a child having to need an adoptive family “is no luck, but a circumstance.” “Behind each process, in most cases there was pain, loss, abandonment, leaving traces. It is not without cost to not be able to grow loved and contained in their family of origin, like the common one of the boys”, emphasizes the creator of School for Adoption.

9 “The boys come to the homes of babies, they are not given up for adoption, they grow up and nobody wants them”

Leguizamón believes that it is essential that society understand “that there is no factory for babies or young children, or that many of them are abandoned in boxes at the doors of the churches.” For her, it is key to strongly install that adoption is to become a family with a child, not with a baby.

“A boy reaches the situation of adoptability when the State knows that he has a violation of rights and withdraws it from his family of origin. In general, this situation is taken into account by the garden, nursery, hospital, that is, when It has an advanced standard of living, “Leguizamón explains. And he adds: “If we understand this we will know that those who expect to be adopted are older children or young children but with older siblings. Last year we had only three cases of babies of children under one year in adoption, without siblings.”

Rubio explains that the violation of rights can occur or be detected at any time in the life of a boy, girl or teenager. They are not only babies or very young children the only ones that can happen to them. Whatever the age of the boy or girl, everyone has the same right to have a family.

10 “With us they will start a new story”

Believing that adoption will cut the story of the boy and that, with his adoptive family, he will make “blur and new account”, is for the specialists another great myth. “People believe that a child is adopted and what is incorporated is a story, which in most cases is complex and very sad. This is the first thing to work with the family. Not incorporating that story, not keeping it in mind or working on it will make that adoption likely to fail, because that child’s personality is conformed with all his experiences, history of abuse, neglect, neglect, “says Aón.

Salvador says: “What we say is that adoption comes to add links, not to subtract or divide. Perhaps our son is never seen with the family of origin, but we must not seek to banish memories from his memory, because they they are constituted of the same, because they were not born of a cabbage and if we do not know how to work with those memories in a moment they hatch and we explode all by the air “. For the specialist, another common mistake is to believe that they come with backpacks only full of bad things: “They bring bad memories but also good ones, for example, an uncle who played with them or a grandmother who took care of them.”

“What I always tell you is that what children bring is a vision of the world as first adults showed it and the challenge they have as adopters is to show them another world”, says Valdés. For that, they must tolerate the processes that the boys have to do: “It is as if a giant hand appears, breaks the roof, grabs you by the blouse and puts you in Taiwan: that is what the boys live. If people start demanding that you eat their food, that you speak their language, what functions like them, you will go into crisis. If adults understand that for you it is a change and what is good for them, you do not understand at first, it’s much better. “

eleven “If the boy does not adapt to us nothing happens, he returns home and ready”

“Part of what one should inform and communicate is that this is something for life, it is a way of no return, there is no possibility of trial, trial and error,” emphasizes Isa. “The process of getting to know each other is in the bonding, when you are in the guard and when the boy was excited that you will become his family, it is an act of tremendous irresponsibility to back down, in that you have to be very aware”add.

María Teresa Veltri, defender of minors and incapable of the Public Ministry of Defense, points out that “some adopters ask for boys with very specific characteristics as if a child could be chosen.” “There are many returns of boys, especially when they are older, but also of young children, when they do not meet the expectations of adults. Failed adoptions I think occur mostly because there is a lack of preparation and accompaniment for the adopter,” says the defender.

Valdés contributes: “One of the vertebral characteristics in the adoption is that we must work for the sustainability of the bond, so that the adoption is sustained over time. This implies, for example, not initiating the stage of linking with families that were not ready. That’s not a healthy adoption job. “

12 “It’s better not to talk to the boys from their previous history so they don’t suffer”

For Rubio, what is not healthy, what can generate pain, is concealment and silence. He recommends speaking naturally about how the family was formed, the history of adults before becoming parents, what is known about the history of the children – plus what they themselves can contribute – and respond as much as possible. An “I don’t know” or a “we can find out” instead of inventing or lying, are key. The word must be enabled for the child to trust and express their feelings, ask and thus build personal and family identity together.

“People are afraid to talk about the subject and project it on the son saying that it will hurt to remember, in the case of the older ones, and in the little ones that it is better not to talk so that they do not suffer,” says Rubio. You don’t have to wait for them to ask, that’s a terrible mistake, because when they ask they already have the answer set up. “

For her, it is important to speak naturally to the children from the moment they arrive to their adoptive family, tell them how they expected them, how their arrival was, and to make the information more complex as they grow. “If you speak naturally about how we confirm ourselves as a family, the questions of the children are going to have foundation and naturalness. If they perceive that talking about their history or the family of origin generates discomfort, they withdraw,” Rubio advises.

More information

Be Family For Adoption: Provide support, training and containment. It has face-to-face groups in CABA, San Isidro, Junín and San Nicolás. In addition to advising other self-managed in Ituzaingó, La Plata, Luján, Tandil, Entre Ríos, Corrientes, Rosario, Córdoba, Esquel, Alto Valle de Río de Negro and Caleta Olivia. On the other hand, it has several virtual devices such as Facebook groups.

Adoption School: provides free services to those who wish to start a family by adoption and to society in general. It offers open meetings of peers who are transiting bonding or guardianship coordinated by psychologists and another group for people who already have an adoption sentence. In addition, they have lawyers who answer questions; They give talks throughout the country and face-to-face training for professionals and operators. They can be consulted virtually on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. In CABA they offer various devices by professionals, teachers, psychologists and lawyers. Whatsapp: 11 6309 0730.

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Publicado en el diario La Nación